Untitled Goose Story
I would just like to clarify some things, for the record. People have been saying I hate humans, I hate the people of this village. Nonsense! I love humans! Without humans, where would I get jingly jangly keys to throw in the lake? Where would I get pretty ribbons to wear around my neck? Also, without humans, where would I get sandwiches? (Oh yes, I know, “bread is bad for geese”, waah waah. Look, alcohol is bad for humans, and yet everyone gets upset when I break their pint glasses so they can’t have alcohol. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the human! Either you feed me sandwiches or you stop complaining when I steal your beer. Fair’s fair.)
Humans are so much fun! There’s nothing like the expression of confusion on their faces as they wonder where I put their rake, or their silly fish statue. And the expression on a human when they pump their fists in frustration because they’re too dumb to find me, even though I’m under the table they’re right next to? Priceless! Not to mention the satisfaction I feel when I honk and they yelp in startlement… or outright terror. Come on, don’t blame me for trapping a boy in a phone booth – blame him for being so funny when he runs away from me that I can’t help but chase him into a phone booth! Admit it, you would steal your fellow humans’ pumpkins for amusement too if you could sneak into their gardens as well as I can.
Besides, some humans appreciate me! Humans wouldn’t have goose statues with pretty ribbons on them if humans didn’t love geese. Plus, those two ladies at the pub who gave me a flower for performing for them! How could I hate humans who applaud me like that? And everywhere I go, humans put up pictures of me with big red circles around the picture. I know what that means! It means “pay attention to this” in human! They wouldn’t be telling each other to show me attention if they really hated me, like some claim.
We have a symbiotic relationship, the humans of this town and me. I give them exercise and introduce a little surprise, a little excitement, into their lives, and they leave radios around where I can grab them and drop them in the lake. It’s fun! Plus they make beautiful bells that make lovely sounds. I have a collection of those.
I also hear people calling me a “horrible” goose. How ridiculous! Do I attack humans? Peck them? Hit them in the legs with my wing? The worst thing I ever did to a human was make one hit his thumb with a hammer, and it wasn’t my fault that he was playing around with a hammer when I wanted to honk. I could do some real damage to humans if I wanted. My mom, well. When I was a gosling, if she thought anything might threaten me or my brothers and sisters… well! You should have seen her in action! What a magnificent goose! You’d probably have called her “horrible” too, just because she was defending her babies. And I suppose you’d call my dad “horrible” for charging at and pecking humans who opened their back doors right near where mom and he had made our nest. Maybe, just maybe, humans shouldn’t have decided to live next door to a goose nest! Did any of you ever think of that?
But I’m not defending any babies. Heavens, no, I’m enjoying life too much to be tied down like that. I’m just having fun! So I don’t hurt humans, even when they chase me with brooms or steal my lovely bell that I worked so hard to get. So I am not horrible! I’m mischievous. Humans who call me horrible are just rude.
Anyway, I just wanted to clarify these things. And also to share some exciting news! Humans also claim geese like me can’t fly, because we’re too heavy. And I admit, it’s an effort, but I’ve been getting plenty of exercise, and working out my wings, and I’ve managed to get off the ground with a running start a few times. Soon I’ll be able to fly all over those silly fences and gates and hedges you humans put up! Aren’t you excited for me? We’ll have so much fun then. I can’t wait!